Today's entry is brought to you by the word cad.
Why cad? Well, there are two main reasons; 1) cad is on the list of words and phrases that I feel aren't used enough anymore (or at all in America) - everyone should make an effort to call someone a cad this week - and 2) I am one... in the sense that I am a "mean and vulgar fellow," not that I am lowbred, presumptuous, or a womanizer. Now, some of the more loyal and generous people out there are hopefully saying, "No, Zach, you're not a cad at all. What are you talking about?" I appreciate it, but I am. I started this nifty blog, spent a long time putting together the image at the top, drafted a mission statement, and then promptly ignored the whole thing for two and a half weeks. I have already failed my own standards, and I am a cad for it. It's okay, it's not a permanent condition - in fact, I am working to de-cadify myself right now. Now that I am thinking of it, I hope to make several entries in relatively quick succession. This will hopefully appease any who are still angry that the last two Sundays have passed by without a post and get me rolling on making regular entries. If this actually happens (keep your fingers crossed) then all will be right with the world.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Unexplained Absence
Hi All,
So I know that I have not updated in... awhile. I have several reasons but most of them aren't valid, except that my computer died for 3-4 days over this last weekend - which of course makes things like updating blogs difficult. Anyway, this is not so much a full fledged entry as it is a promise that there will be such entries in the near future. Everyone heave a collective sigh of relief, more nonsense is forthcoming
So I know that I have not updated in... awhile. I have several reasons but most of them aren't valid, except that my computer died for 3-4 days over this last weekend - which of course makes things like updating blogs difficult. Anyway, this is not so much a full fledged entry as it is a promise that there will be such entries in the near future. Everyone heave a collective sigh of relief, more nonsense is forthcoming
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Someday Has Come: The Origins of the Title Revealed
We all dream. Some of mine have been a little on the odd side... and some have been a lot on the odd side. These are the ones that stick with you. I had one such dream when I was 13 years old.
In my dream I met a woman, namely TV celebrity Nancy Travis (who is currently Susan Pearson on The Bill Engvall Show, but was Kim Cooper on a short lived sitcom entitled Almost Perfect back in 1996 when I had the dream). Naturally, she fell for me and insisted we get married and move to Switzerland. I didn't have much else going on, so I agreed. While wandering in the Swiss Alps one day I came across this incredibly beautiful, frozen lake hidden amongst some snow covered pine trees. As I wandered out into the center of this frozen lake, watching the fluffy snow flakes fall to the ground, I noticed that I was being watched. On the shore of this lake, standing majestically on a snow covered rock, was the largest mountain goat I had ever seen. Now, I have never actually seen a mountain goat in real life, but I understand that they are large animals, and this one was even bigger than I would expect the real thing to be. Anyway, there he was, like Bambi’s dad, the ruler of all he surveyed - his white hair making him look like the wise, old man of the mountain, and his horns and massive size making him look like the big, mean bouncer of the mountain. At first I was just amazed by the sight of such an animal, but then I was nervous. I don’t know how I could tell, but I knew, with absolute certainty, that this goat was not at all happy with me.
“Get off the ice!” the goat suddenly shouted at me.
“What!?” I shouted back, just as upset about being ordered around as I was surprised by the goat speaking.
“You are too old and too fat! Get off the ice!” responded the goat.
I was dumbfounded. I was neither old nor fat… or at least I didn’t think I was.
“You are too old and too fat! Get off the ice!” the goat yelled again. He continued to yell it over and over again while I stood, paralyzed by surprise and frustration in the middle of this pristine frozen tarn.
My first thought was that I had stumbled upon some mystical place where I was not allowed to be. The goat was simply trying to get me to leave. Then I thought maybe the goat was just concerned for my well-being and didn’t want to see me fall through the ice. As he continued to yell though, all I could think about was how loud and harsh his voice sounded in this peaceful setting… plus, he was just being plain rude. If he really wanted me to leave, there were better ways of doing it. Eventually, I got fed up and told the goat what I thought of him and his shouting – I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I recall it having something to do with the fact that he was just a stupid goat that clearly didn’t know what he was saying.
He didn’t particularly care for this and proceeded to turn into a giant goat-like demon/monster thing (reminiscent of the goat-horned monsters in video games like Doom, but white and fuzzy of course… like the Bumble in that old claymation Christmas special… you remember, the Isle of Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, “Bumbles bounce,” yeah, you remember – but I digress). Needless to say, I was very concerned by this. A chase scene straight out of Tom and Jerry ensued. I was chased round and round this small lake by this large snarling goat-monster. Running on ice is no easier in the dream world than it is in the real world and the creature was ever so slowly gaining on me. Luckily, just as I was beginning to tire, Nancy Travis (who let’s not forget was my wife in this weird little adventure) came over the trees in a helicopter and began lobbing grenades at the monster. To make an already long story just a little bit shorter I will skip over the lengthy amount of time that it took for my fictional wife Nancy, who apparently could fly a helicopter well but must have flunked out of lobbing grenades class, to actually save me. Eventually, one exploded in front of the monster and it fell through the cracked ice. Meanwhile, Nancy picked me up and we flew off into the wild blue yonder… presumably to some castle or something in the Swiss countryside that I would have undoubtedly imagined that I lived in. Then I woke up.
That’s it. That’s where the title of this blog came from. Was it worth the wait? Was it worth reading? I hope the answer is yes, because unless you have a damaged hippocampus (which I would not recommend at all if you can avoid it) you are not going to be able to forget that you actually spent time reading this anytime soon. Good-night and thanks for coming.
In my dream I met a woman, namely TV celebrity Nancy Travis (who is currently Susan Pearson on The Bill Engvall Show, but was Kim Cooper on a short lived sitcom entitled Almost Perfect back in 1996 when I had the dream). Naturally, she fell for me and insisted we get married and move to Switzerland. I didn't have much else going on, so I agreed. While wandering in the Swiss Alps one day I came across this incredibly beautiful, frozen lake hidden amongst some snow covered pine trees. As I wandered out into the center of this frozen lake, watching the fluffy snow flakes fall to the ground, I noticed that I was being watched. On the shore of this lake, standing majestically on a snow covered rock, was the largest mountain goat I had ever seen. Now, I have never actually seen a mountain goat in real life, but I understand that they are large animals, and this one was even bigger than I would expect the real thing to be. Anyway, there he was, like Bambi’s dad, the ruler of all he surveyed - his white hair making him look like the wise, old man of the mountain, and his horns and massive size making him look like the big, mean bouncer of the mountain. At first I was just amazed by the sight of such an animal, but then I was nervous. I don’t know how I could tell, but I knew, with absolute certainty, that this goat was not at all happy with me.
“Get off the ice!” the goat suddenly shouted at me.
“What!?” I shouted back, just as upset about being ordered around as I was surprised by the goat speaking.
“You are too old and too fat! Get off the ice!” responded the goat.
I was dumbfounded. I was neither old nor fat… or at least I didn’t think I was.
“You are too old and too fat! Get off the ice!” the goat yelled again. He continued to yell it over and over again while I stood, paralyzed by surprise and frustration in the middle of this pristine frozen tarn.
My first thought was that I had stumbled upon some mystical place where I was not allowed to be. The goat was simply trying to get me to leave. Then I thought maybe the goat was just concerned for my well-being and didn’t want to see me fall through the ice. As he continued to yell though, all I could think about was how loud and harsh his voice sounded in this peaceful setting… plus, he was just being plain rude. If he really wanted me to leave, there were better ways of doing it. Eventually, I got fed up and told the goat what I thought of him and his shouting – I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I recall it having something to do with the fact that he was just a stupid goat that clearly didn’t know what he was saying.
He didn’t particularly care for this and proceeded to turn into a giant goat-like demon/monster thing (reminiscent of the goat-horned monsters in video games like Doom, but white and fuzzy of course… like the Bumble in that old claymation Christmas special… you remember, the Isle of Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, “Bumbles bounce,” yeah, you remember – but I digress). Needless to say, I was very concerned by this. A chase scene straight out of Tom and Jerry ensued. I was chased round and round this small lake by this large snarling goat-monster. Running on ice is no easier in the dream world than it is in the real world and the creature was ever so slowly gaining on me. Luckily, just as I was beginning to tire, Nancy Travis (who let’s not forget was my wife in this weird little adventure) came over the trees in a helicopter and began lobbing grenades at the monster. To make an already long story just a little bit shorter I will skip over the lengthy amount of time that it took for my fictional wife Nancy, who apparently could fly a helicopter well but must have flunked out of lobbing grenades class, to actually save me. Eventually, one exploded in front of the monster and it fell through the cracked ice. Meanwhile, Nancy picked me up and we flew off into the wild blue yonder… presumably to some castle or something in the Swiss countryside that I would have undoubtedly imagined that I lived in. Then I woke up.
That’s it. That’s where the title of this blog came from. Was it worth the wait? Was it worth reading? I hope the answer is yes, because unless you have a damaged hippocampus (which I would not recommend at all if you can avoid it) you are not going to be able to forget that you actually spent time reading this anytime soon. Good-night and thanks for coming.
Controversy, thy name is GARLIC!
I confess that the following post was not actually written for this blog, but it may be among the finest e-mails I have written in recent years and sets the tone very nicely for what I intend this blog to be. It arose from a question that was e-mailed to me during my stay in Japan. I am, or at least was, known amongst my circle of friends as the guy to talk to if you were looking for long rambling discussions about nothing in particular, and so for the amusement of all (including myself - it was a great way to pass the time on the slower days) I would receive semi-regular e-mails asking me my preference between two ridiculous and wholly unrelated things, to debate the merits of this or that goofy idea, or some such similar thing. This specific topic was sent to me by my good friend (and now, co-worker), Danielle "Izzy" Clarizio.
This was my response:
First, garlic ice cream is completely plausible - aside from the fact that several recipes for the stuff actually do exist, I am most certain that in the hands of someone that knows what they are doing garlic could be a nice addition to ice cream. It has a very distinct, but very good, taste and as long as a proper balance is maintained then all would be well. If a proper balance was not maintained... all would be lost.
Now, to answer the actual question... would garlic make everything and anything it is added to better? No. I know it pains me too, but it has to be said. Here's why - garlic is an incredibly powerful thing. On a scale of one to ten (one being sodium chloride [table salt] and 10 being VX nerve gas [the stuff from The Rock - it actually exists look it up and then try to sleep soundly... people are nuts]) garlic is, well... on that scale... like a 2.3... Okay, I may have set 10 to high, but regardless, you see my point. Garlic is dangerous. Garlic has killed. Garlic will kill again. As we all know, garlic contains small amounts of a toxin called thiosulphate. Concentrated garlic will kill/chase away insects, kill some plants, and in fairly large amounts cause illness, anemia, and even death in smaller animals (so, don't give garlic to your cat or dog). Is it plausible that a human being could die from ingesting too much garlic? Of course it is. Aside, from the freak cases of allergies and the fact that if you ate too much of anything your stomach would rip open spilling sulphuric acid out into your abdomen burning and corroding valuable organs, it is also possible to be poisoned by garlic. Granted, given the average speed of digestion and that people are relatively resistant to thiosulphate, a person weighing 180 lbs would have to ingest around 11 to 15 pounds of raw garlic in one day to run the risk of death... although at the end of that particular day most people would want to die anyway.... This is all true you know - but seriously, there are some foods that you just wouldn't put garlic on. I mean, there is probably nothing in the world that you couldn't put the littlest drop of garlic on that wouldn't still be fine - but that's not making it better, is it? In all fairness most of the things that I am thinking of are sweets; jelly beans and malted milk balls... stuff like that. It is actually pretty damn hard to come up with a meal that would not me made better with just a touch of garlic somewhere in it. Still, we deal in absolutes here, so there answer is no. Garlic would not make everything better, just most things. Again this is not to say you could not add garlic to everything and they would still be okay, just that it would not necessarily be an improvement.
Right about now you might be saying to yourself... "Hey, I thought Zach loved garlic. What the hell?" Well, you're right, I do love garlic, and I do put it in pretty much everything I cook, but... the unthinkable happened a couple of months ago. I finally had too much of a good thing... bum, bum, bummmmmmm... I was at this Korean BBQ place in Morioka (the capital of the Japanese prefecture of Iwate). The basic setup was you ordered a big plate of raw meat and veggies and then you grilled it and ate as you went on the little grill at your table. Well in our plate of raw meat and veggies there was a sizable clove of garlic. It was grilled just like everything else... but no one ate it. It sat there all alone until it finally caught someones attention.
"Are we supposed to eat a whole clove of garlic?"
"They are good for you."
"Still..."
"I'll eat it, what the hell."
That last fool was me. So I popped in in my mouth and began to chew... the outside was steaming hot and grilled, but aside from that first blast of scorching juices when I first bit down the inside was completely raw... it burned... First the heat burned and then the garlic burned... like acid. I was kind of expecting this, and I am tough, so I didn't even wince... but oh my God, it sucked. I chewed it quickly and swallowed, drank the rest of the thimble full of water that the waitress had brought around and was glad to be done with the whole ordeal... little did I know. Within a minute of the garlic hitting my stomach... well, you know how when you are about to throw up your throat kind of tenses in anticipation and the inside walls of your cheeks in the back of your mouth begin to feel slimy and you get that really vile taste in your mouth... your whole body begins to prepare itself for the ordeal, certain parts getting hot, others cold, you break out into a sweat and your eyes begin to water... well couple that with painful nausea, the extreme taste of garlic, and just a general filling like you are going to explode like the fat guy in the restaurant scene in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. This is what I was experiencing, while, I might add, trying to convey to all around me that all was well in my personal corner of the world, happy and serene. I calmly asked where the restrooms were, stood up, walked over to the edge of the tatami mat we were seated on, bent over to put my shoes back on (damn Japanese culture), and then made my way down a flight of stairs and through a crowded first floor to be told, after a short round of less than exemplary Japanese with the nearest waiter, that the 1st floor restroom was out of order but that there was one on the third floor (I had been on the second floor). Yay for stairs. I finally made it. I remained there for five minutes... to my everlasting surprise I didn't actually get sick, but for five minutes I remained closer to throwing up then anyone in the history of the world has ever been without actually throwing up. Gradually the feeling subsided and I began to feel less like I was going to explode. I then spent the next five minutes after that drinking water from the sink and splashing my face... Then, I went back to my table and finished my meal (that's how tough I am) but I did not have anymore garlic. So, as I hope that I conveyed, garlic, while I still do love it and use it constantly, has left me with an unpleasant memory I will not soon forget. In all honesty when writing the above anecdote, and when writing the part about someone needing to eat 11 to 15 pounds of garlic to get poisoned, I got a little nauseous, seriously...eeewwww. Don't worry, I will be better soon.
So in summary, garlic makes most things better, but not all, and it is ALMOST always a good thing.
There you have it, my very first blog post! It will probably just be more stuff like this (as long as I can remember to update), because my every day life is really not as interesting as I like to pretend it is. Enjoy!
"Last week I made dinner for Chris and I and I made a comment to the effect of 'I think everything tastes better with garlic.' She said that she didn't think so. And that I need to look no further than the idea of garlic ice cream for a logical response to my statement.
Now, I vaguely remember this movie, Mr. Boogedy, from when I was a kid. And in it they go to this carnival thing and I am almost 100% sure that they had garlic ice cream in it (and if it wasn't garlic it was onion). Anyway, it's a real food and personally, I think it would be surprisingly good.
So let me know what your thoughts are on this rather odd topic."
Now, I vaguely remember this movie, Mr. Boogedy, from when I was a kid. And in it they go to this carnival thing and I am almost 100% sure that they had garlic ice cream in it (and if it wasn't garlic it was onion). Anyway, it's a real food and personally, I think it would be surprisingly good.
So let me know what your thoughts are on this rather odd topic."
This was my response:
First, garlic ice cream is completely plausible - aside from the fact that several recipes for the stuff actually do exist, I am most certain that in the hands of someone that knows what they are doing garlic could be a nice addition to ice cream. It has a very distinct, but very good, taste and as long as a proper balance is maintained then all would be well. If a proper balance was not maintained... all would be lost.
Now, to answer the actual question... would garlic make everything and anything it is added to better? No. I know it pains me too, but it has to be said. Here's why - garlic is an incredibly powerful thing. On a scale of one to ten (one being sodium chloride [table salt] and 10 being VX nerve gas [the stuff from The Rock - it actually exists look it up and then try to sleep soundly... people are nuts]) garlic is, well... on that scale... like a 2.3... Okay, I may have set 10 to high, but regardless, you see my point. Garlic is dangerous. Garlic has killed. Garlic will kill again. As we all know, garlic contains small amounts of a toxin called thiosulphate. Concentrated garlic will kill/chase away insects, kill some plants, and in fairly large amounts cause illness, anemia, and even death in smaller animals (so, don't give garlic to your cat or dog). Is it plausible that a human being could die from ingesting too much garlic? Of course it is. Aside, from the freak cases of allergies and the fact that if you ate too much of anything your stomach would rip open spilling sulphuric acid out into your abdomen burning and corroding valuable organs, it is also possible to be poisoned by garlic. Granted, given the average speed of digestion and that people are relatively resistant to thiosulphate, a person weighing 180 lbs would have to ingest around 11 to 15 pounds of raw garlic in one day to run the risk of death... although at the end of that particular day most people would want to die anyway.... This is all true you know - but seriously, there are some foods that you just wouldn't put garlic on. I mean, there is probably nothing in the world that you couldn't put the littlest drop of garlic on that wouldn't still be fine - but that's not making it better, is it? In all fairness most of the things that I am thinking of are sweets; jelly beans and malted milk balls... stuff like that. It is actually pretty damn hard to come up with a meal that would not me made better with just a touch of garlic somewhere in it. Still, we deal in absolutes here, so there answer is no. Garlic would not make everything better, just most things. Again this is not to say you could not add garlic to everything and they would still be okay, just that it would not necessarily be an improvement.
Right about now you might be saying to yourself... "Hey, I thought Zach loved garlic. What the hell?" Well, you're right, I do love garlic, and I do put it in pretty much everything I cook, but... the unthinkable happened a couple of months ago. I finally had too much of a good thing... bum, bum, bummmmmmm... I was at this Korean BBQ place in Morioka (the capital of the Japanese prefecture of Iwate). The basic setup was you ordered a big plate of raw meat and veggies and then you grilled it and ate as you went on the little grill at your table. Well in our plate of raw meat and veggies there was a sizable clove of garlic. It was grilled just like everything else... but no one ate it. It sat there all alone until it finally caught someones attention.
"Are we supposed to eat a whole clove of garlic?"
"They are good for you."
"Still..."
"I'll eat it, what the hell."
That last fool was me. So I popped in in my mouth and began to chew... the outside was steaming hot and grilled, but aside from that first blast of scorching juices when I first bit down the inside was completely raw... it burned... First the heat burned and then the garlic burned... like acid. I was kind of expecting this, and I am tough, so I didn't even wince... but oh my God, it sucked. I chewed it quickly and swallowed, drank the rest of the thimble full of water that the waitress had brought around and was glad to be done with the whole ordeal... little did I know. Within a minute of the garlic hitting my stomach... well, you know how when you are about to throw up your throat kind of tenses in anticipation and the inside walls of your cheeks in the back of your mouth begin to feel slimy and you get that really vile taste in your mouth... your whole body begins to prepare itself for the ordeal, certain parts getting hot, others cold, you break out into a sweat and your eyes begin to water... well couple that with painful nausea, the extreme taste of garlic, and just a general filling like you are going to explode like the fat guy in the restaurant scene in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. This is what I was experiencing, while, I might add, trying to convey to all around me that all was well in my personal corner of the world, happy and serene. I calmly asked where the restrooms were, stood up, walked over to the edge of the tatami mat we were seated on, bent over to put my shoes back on (damn Japanese culture), and then made my way down a flight of stairs and through a crowded first floor to be told, after a short round of less than exemplary Japanese with the nearest waiter, that the 1st floor restroom was out of order but that there was one on the third floor (I had been on the second floor). Yay for stairs. I finally made it. I remained there for five minutes... to my everlasting surprise I didn't actually get sick, but for five minutes I remained closer to throwing up then anyone in the history of the world has ever been without actually throwing up. Gradually the feeling subsided and I began to feel less like I was going to explode. I then spent the next five minutes after that drinking water from the sink and splashing my face... Then, I went back to my table and finished my meal (that's how tough I am) but I did not have anymore garlic. So, as I hope that I conveyed, garlic, while I still do love it and use it constantly, has left me with an unpleasant memory I will not soon forget. In all honesty when writing the above anecdote, and when writing the part about someone needing to eat 11 to 15 pounds of garlic to get poisoned, I got a little nauseous, seriously...eeewwww. Don't worry, I will be better soon.
So in summary, garlic makes most things better, but not all, and it is ALMOST always a good thing.
There you have it, my very first blog post! It will probably just be more stuff like this (as long as I can remember to update), because my every day life is really not as interesting as I like to pretend it is. Enjoy!
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